Ive struggled with eating disorders my whole life. My earliest memory is of my mum explaining how weight is gained and lost (through exercise and eating) and I’ve been obsessed with body image since I was about 12. It was around then that I was weighed every morning by my parents in the kitchen and forced to explain why I’d gained weight. This was despite being in the healthy weight range. The result was the development of Bulimia – whereby I’d binge on food then purge through not eating/ fasting for days then binging again.
I did this for years and kept my weight in the healthy range (I was never super skinny). When I turned 17 I moved interstate and my eating became more regular (and I gained weight). I put on even more weight over the last few years when I was treated with olanzapine and seroquel which made me ravenous. I put on around 30kg in 10 weeks or so. I lost it all in a depressive episode when I couldn’t eat because I was so depressed but recently put it all back on.
Needless to say I’m miserable about the way I look, but I have really low self efficacy on the whole clean eating and exercising regime so I’m giving Bulimia a go again. This time with vomiting. And I just succeeded!! I ate salad, some lean steak and a banana for dinner and I just vomited the banana. Not a great effort but not bad for a first effort either. I’m addicted. All I want to do is sit in there and puke. But my parents are here and I don’t want to raise the alarm bells. I feel so good!!