I’ve experienced a fair bit of trauma in my 35 years. My uncle groomed me for sex when I was a child, my swim coach and doctor sexually assaulted me when I was 12 and 20 respectively, my wife raped me repeatedly through my 30s before and during our marriage, I experienced anxious/ avoidant attachment trauma to my parents and live with an eating disorder that I developed in my early teens. I’ve been admitted to a general hospital following suicide attempts 4 times, been admitted to a psychiatric hospital 10 times including once as an involuntary patient and I have a diagnosis of type II bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. It’s been tough but I’ve got through.
I’ve spent the past 3 years in a severely depressed state. I’ve had 28 ect treatments and 12 tms treatments. I think the last round 16 tms treatments were effective, but the first round of ect and the tms wasn’t. I take a combination of quetiapine, sodium valproate and lurasidone to stabilise my mood, naltrexone to deter me from drinking too much alcohol, belsomra, stilnox and mirtazapine to support my sleep, and diazepam and olanzapine plus extra quetiapine to take when I need it. Now that I’m feeling better, it’s made me focus on being the kind of person I want to be and, as dbt says, how to have a life worth living’.
What I’ve come to realise is that I like people who are compassionate and non-judgemental. I surround myself with these people and I try to cultivate this in myself. Each of my professionals – my two psychiatrists, my general practitioner, my psycho-sexual therapist and my dbt therapist embody these values. It means I can tell them anything. I tell them when I want to kill myself, I tell them when I cut myself, that I want to go into hospital, that I’ve been abused. Whatever is on my mind, I know I can tell them, even if I’m scared.